IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
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I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands