People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast