not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala