I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.