I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.