*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Happy thanksgiving
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?