When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?