elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
You Might Also Like
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.