Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
They’re called werewolves.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything