Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
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*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set