Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
White Castle for the Win
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what