Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.