For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving