If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
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If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.