Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.