DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha