Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get