Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Good morning!
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.