First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Great Canadian literature.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed