My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”