[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Every photo I’m tagged in
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.