Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I can fix him.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*