I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
stand with me against insufficient seating
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me