not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
You Might Also Like
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?