A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
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If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.