Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade