People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
You Might Also Like
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*