Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
that lip filler tho
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.