I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.