Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…