You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.