My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.