You Might Also Like
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
car not found
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger