The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.