I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
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“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?