Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Netflix and awkward silence?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?