[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
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Happy Friday
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*