*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
You Might Also Like
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin