I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.