Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
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Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.