When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.