peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.