zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom