me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.