His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?