I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea