Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.