I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.