All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Breaking news:
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz