I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
There’s always that one guy
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.